Social scientists are suggesting that children’s identity comes more powerfully from their peer group at an ever-younger age. Fifty years ago the most powerful influences on a child’s life were (in order): Home, School, Church, Peers, Media. Today the most powerful influences are: Peers, Media, Home, School, Church. More and more, younger and younger, kids derive their personal sense of self from their location in their friendship circle/clique/peer group/gang.

Kids do need to belong in a peer group, although popularity in that group is not always key. Parents and other adults can help make this belonging happen constructively and satisfyingly for both child and adult.

William Pollack in Real Boys’ Voices says: “All the research shows that a one-on-one connection with an adult, a parent, a teacher, a coach, is 10 times more powerful an influence than peers.” What can you do to help him/her?

1. Teach him/her social skills so they can read the responses of others and so they can learn to be more socially competent.
2. Help them identify and control their emotions. Naming your feelings and managing them is crucial in all groups cradle-to-grave.
3. Role play bad situations so as to help the child identify what else they could have done in the situation.
4. Help them learn to tolerate teasing because kids who are hypersensitive to teasing are really disliked by their peers.
5. Help the child understand what you cannot do for them. You cannot engineer their place on the social ladder, prevent others from judging them, or overhaul their self- esteem for them.
6. Model good friendships yourself so they can see influence vs. pressure, cooperation vs. following the crowd, and the joy of a good friendship.